Chapter Sixteen

              Heavy rains pelted the cobblestone streets of Boston with the dark October skies indicating the torrential downpour would continue.  The 1990 bicycle marathon was canceled.  Rather than seeing the city from the seat of a bike, Loie sat on a living room chair, solemnly looking out her friend's apartment window.

              She had been looking forward to this special time with her friend on this long weekend away from her hospital work.  Her eight-hour trip had passed quickly with the anticipation of the biking event.  Now, not only was there no bicycle adventure, there was also little interaction with her friend who was now sleeping in the next room, exhausted from having been up all night fighting a nasty virus.  Nothing seemed to be going as planned.

              Loie's anxious thoughts surprised her. It was not primarily the disappointment about the weekend that created her bewilderment, but a nagging idea that had grown in intensity and now was as consuming as her friend's virus.  The notion began to take shape the previous evening while traveling through Connecticut.  The last time she was in that state, we were in the midst of our church-planting venture.  That trip to New England was more exciting than this one was turning out to be.  During her visit with us in our ministry, she witnessed our passion for that work.

              Loie replayed the idea: "Ron and Joan had to leave a church-planting ministry because they were too overwhelmed with the care of their children.  I should offer to dedicate myself to helping Joan with the kids. I could move with them, and Ron could be involved in church-planting again."  Loie sat in the quiet room contemplating the idea.

              She stood, stretched and paced around the room.  "This plan is ludicrous!  The Denlingers haven't expressed any intention in going back into church planting, but maybe this is what God would want me to do for them.  They really did seem to enjoy being involved in mission work."

              Her friend stirred in the next room, but did not awaken.  "I can't help the Denlingers.  I have my heart set on being a missionary nurse in an African orphanage.  I want to impact many lives, not just one family."

              The pelting of the rain against the window drew her focus back to her surroundings.  She gathered up dirty cups scattered around the apartment and took them to the kitchen.  "I must put this absurd thought out of my mind," she reasoned to herself.  "I think Ron and Joan were meeting with Ron Klassen last evening to inform him of their resignation from the mission.  Why should this idea harass me when THEY aren't even thinking of any such thing?"

              She glanced at the clock and saw it was already noon, but her friend showed no signs of desiring to eat.  Loie picked up her Bible; reading would be a distraction to her thoughts.

              She felt compelled to read the book of Ruth.  The story instantly intrigued her.  Ruth, a widow, left her homeland and father's house to travel with her widowed mother-in-law to a land that was foreign to Ruth, because of her love and commitment to this one lonely woman.

              Loie hesitated at one particular verse.  Ruth was passionately persuading her mother-in-law to allow her to move with her, "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay.  Your people will be my people and your God my God."

              Loie looked up from her Bible.  There it was!  A woman who committed herself to one family and God blessed her for it.  Was God Himself confirming to her that she should be willing to commit to one family?

              Would the Denlingers think of moving back into church planting?  Would they consider having me with them?  Why would I want to leave my secure nursing job to go somewhere else and start again?  She shuddered at the thought of uprooting and leaving friends and her familiar surroundings.

              Before she closed her Bible, she again read the words in front of her.  "Will you go?"   She dropped to her knees and cried out to God.  "Lord, I will go if it is where you are calling me."

              She opened her eyes and anxiously looked around the room.  Her friend hadn’t seen her.  "I must be crazy, I am not telling a soul about this!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

              Ron and I sat quietly at our Sunday dinner table.  The Klassens had left earlier in the morning.  The past twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind filled with fun, laughter, and a fascinating proposal.  The idea of having a nanny, by which we could again have the opportunity to move into ministry, had never crossed our minds.

              As soon as Ron Klassen had spoken the idea, Loie immediately came to my mind.  Last night, even into the wee hours of the morning, the concept was increasingly thrilling to us the longer we spoke of it.  Ron agreed with me that he too thought Loie would be the perfect person to fill that role.  She was terrific with the kids, she had become a trusted friend of mine, and she really did seem to enjoy spending time with our family.  Ron's eyes had glimmered with hope as we tossed around reasons why the whole scenario might be feasible.

              Now, just a few hours later we sat solemnly as we allowed the reality of the situation to penetrate our practical minds.  "What right do we have to ask Loie to leave her secure world to help us fill our dreams?  Why do we even think she would consider this?  Where would we go?  Would we be able to raise financial support again?  If we could, how would Loie be supported?  Why do we even think God wants to use us back in ministry?  Hasn't He already made it clear that He was finished with us?  If we were to be in ministry, why didn't he show us a way to remain in Connecticut?  Why does God keep raising our hopes only to have them shattered?

              I quietly cleared the table and started to wash the dishes while Ron pulled Kari from her chair.  She had fallen asleep at the table.  He curled her floppy body around his as they settled onto the couch for a Sunday afternoon snooze.  Ryan was already sleeping in his crib.  The morning's commotion at church had exhausted him.

              I halfheartedly slopped the dishcloth across a plate and looked out the kitchen window over the barren cornfield.  The Amish children were taking turns riding their new cream-colored pony down in the meadow.  They seemed so carefree and happy on this autumn day.  Oh how I remembered those days!

              Flashbacks of my childhood appeared in full color in my mind.  Sunday afternoons were filled with delightful bike riding adventures or tunnel building in the dusty hayloft of our big mysterious barn.  Hikes to the "haunted" house with my brothers send goose bumps throughout my tired body even now.  Choosing teams for a game of baseball or football with the neighborhood gang always was a challenge and fun.

              But my most vivid, heartwarming memory was riding horseback, trotting Patches, my oversized pony, through miles of barren fields in the fall and winter months.  The cold air stung my face and reddened my cheeks and ears, my hair tossing in the air with each bounce.  Patches exhaled steamy air through his velvety nostrils and snorted with joy.  Alone with my horse, I spent hours dreaming I was a fair maiden living in a castle in a far away land.

              The squeak of the glass I was washing brought me back to my humble abode.  Far from a fair maiden, my twenty-seven-year old body felt the years of hard knocks I had been through, but as of yet Cinderella had not emerged.  Living in my sixth home in six years of marriage often left me feeling unsettled, longing for stability.  I loved my two severely handicapped children dearly, but their constant needs zapped my energy.  Their condition had drastically changed the dreams I had for our family and their daily suffering reminded me that my life was far from any fantasy.

              Being the mother of children who would never succeed in life was neither prestigious nor was it enviable.  Living with a husband, who desired a ministry career that dangled beyond his reach, was painful.  Financial stress hung over our heads each month as we attempted to make his paycheck cover all the bills, including large medical charges.

              A card caught my eye as I glanced toward the window again.  It was another Bible verse that I had placed there this week to encourage me in my daily grind and to keep my focus on the things that are not visible in this world.  "God understands and knows me.  He is the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness." (Jeremiah 9:24)

              "Okay Lord," I said aloud. "I know you know me.  Help me to understand you, your ways, your plans, and your timing.  I know you desire good things for me and you know my needs.  I'm really struggling to understand the difficulties of my life."

              I picked up another dirty dish as my tears fell into my dishwater.  "Lord, I need faith – faith like the great men and women of the Bible.  You are faithful and you do delight in taking care of me.  I need your unfailing love and compassion.  I'm so sorry for my lack of trust.  My soul is being decayed by worry.  I'm ugly inside and out.  Strengthen me today!"

              Ryan's crying upstairs alerted me that it was time to begin his feeding regimen.  For the next hour, I busied myself with his care, but all the while the desire to talk to Loie continued to nag at me.

              I entered the living room where Ron was busy clapping on Kari's back to loosen the phlegm that had congested her lungs during her short nap.  "Ron, I think we should bounce the nanny idea off Loie.  If she doesn't show interest, at least then we'll know."  He smiled, "It's up to you, you know her best."

              It would be at least four days till I would see Loie again, so when Monday morning arrived I simply put the idea out of my mind and continued with my workday.  Transporting Kari and Ryan to their schools and working with the therapists encompassed most of my time and energy.

              As the week continued with all of its pressures and commitments, I lost all hope that the nanny idea of Mr. Klassen's would ever come into fruition.  It was too large a task to ask Loie to consider.

              The colorful leaves on the autumn trees posed a brilliant contrast to the gray sky of the dreary afternoon.  It was Thursday afternoon and I knew Loie would be arriving soon for our weekly time together.  I wrapped a sweater snugly around me as I walked to the mailbox to retrieve the day's mail.  My soul felt more like the gray sky than the colorful leaves.  Since rejecting the nanny idea, Ron and I had no hope of ever being in full-time church work again.  During my prayer time this morning, I received no assurance that God was hearing me.

              I flipped through the letters as I scuffled back to the house.  One envelope with a familiar logo caught my eye.  I hurriedly ripped it open.  It read, "Dear Ron and Joan, Just wanted to let you know that the board of RHMA and myself are intently praying for you that you will consider the "nanny plan."  I trust that you are continuing to make this a matter of prayer with us.  Warmly, Ron Klassen."

              My heart fluttered within me as I bounded up the remaining steps to the porch. I went inside and threw the rest of the mail on the desk and dropped onto the sofa, still clinging the letter to my chest.  I carefully read the letter again as tears started to stream down my face. "God, what am I to think?  Loie will be here in any minute, do you really want me to ask her?"

              There was a knock at the door, and Loie peeked her head around the door.  "Hello, is anyone home?"  I dried my tears and went to greet her.  Her long dark hair covered my face as I hugged her.  She walked over to the kids in their wheelchairs and gave them each a kiss.  Ryan hollered in response and instantly she released him from his harness and held him closely.  I watched the interaction and knew in my heart that she was the one who would be my choice for a nanny to my children.

              She sat rocking Ryan as I nervously poured us each a cup of tea.  We chatted briefly about her trip to Boston, but Loie knew me well enough to know something was heavy on my heart.  "Joan, is everything okay?"

              "Loie," I began very hesitantly, "this is really bizarre but I need to talk to you about something.  I'm afraid to say it, but I just have to get it off my chest!  Last weekend when Ron Klassen was here, he made a suggestion."

              Loie interrupted me before I finished.  "Joan, I know what you are going to say.  God has been speaking to me, but I want to hear you say it."

              Without further delay, I continued to explain Mr. Klassen's suggestion, convinced that Loie couldn't possibly know what I was about to share.  Loie's eyes filled with tears as I spoke.  When I finished she related her experience in Boston.

              We sat silent, afraid to move.  God's leading seemed unmistakable.  He had revealed his plan to both of us completely separate from one another.  His invisible presence filled my little living room; giving us peace and assurance that He would continue to go before us and chart the course we were to take.

              Loie stayed through the evening so we could share our story with Ron.  He listened with amazement.  We sat huddled on the living room floor, shaking with excitement, believing this was clearly from the Lord.  Ron's eyes sparkled with hope again.  The part of his heart that had died was now coming to life.

              None of us knew how all the details would work out but tonight that didn't matter. We were content to trust God for those.  We held hands and took turns praying, the kids lying on the floor in the middle of our tiny circle.  The five of us would proceed together in this adventure.

              We decided to pray about the plan for a few months before seeking the opinions of others.  We did not want to be hasty in any of our decisions, and the timing of this change seemed a major issue.

              That week, Ron and I signed a year's lease on what would be our seventh rented home.  Our little country house on the hill had fifteen steps to get to the first floor – too many for carrying two children and wheelchairs.  Our new ranch style home was seven miles closer to the city to which Ron and I both continued to travel on a regular basis.

              Ron was also in the midst of being trained for a new position within his company and he had agreed to remain in the position for at least a year.  This new job involved a lot more stress, but he needed to take on the extra responsibility with its larger salary to keep his family from slipping beneath the rising financial flood.

              Eventually we did begin to share our plan with friends and relatives, receiving great encouragement from them to follow the path that God was leading us.  RHMA began their search to locate a town in which a new church-plant was needed.  To serve under RHMA, we would again need to raise financial support from individuals and churches as we did before going to Connecticut.  This time, as we began our deputation process of speaking at various churches explaining the vision we had for our work, we had Loie join us.

              Our audiences were very receptive to our message as the three of dressed in Biblical costumes.  Loie impersonated Ruth because of her willingness to leave behind her home and move with us and assist our family.  I acted the part of Jonah, not only because of our similar names, but also because I was apprehensive about all the changes this would require in my life. I was tempted to run in another direction, as did the prophet in the scripture.

              I liked my comfortable surroundings and support of my family members.  I was not convinced that I had the energy it took to start another church.  The dark lonely days of Connecticut continued to plague my mind.  I was afraid I would fail again at combining mothering disabled children and supporting a husband in his ministry.

              Ron played the part of Moses, a man asked to lead a nation.  Although Ron was not being asked to sacrifice as much, he was cautious about the idea of moving forward and again attempting to bring something new into existence.  The question of finances also loomed large on his mind.  Would God provide for all his family needs?

              Throughout the following year, each of us took our turn at being fearful about this immense move, but the "Boston story" continued to reassure us that God was the one who ordained this challenging adventure. We pressed forward despite our fears.

              One thing each of us learned: When God puts a desire and plan in our hearts, He does not intend to let it go.  His timing was perfect.  The skills Ron learned over the next year as a sales representative prepared him for the even bigger responsibility of presenting the need for a new evangelical church in the town to which we would eventually move.

              We received amazing support from our church family and relatives.  Not only did they give their encouragement and blessing to the five of us in our venture, but they also gave financially to help us get started.  Through RHMA, we learned of an area in which a few believers already had strong interest in beginning a new church.  God made sure that it was within driving distance of the Delaware hospital where I took the children on a regular basis.

              Loie also planned for the new change in her life.  Before we moved, she had inquired about part-time nursing employment in the region where we were going, and had a new job by the time we moved.

              The hardest thing to let go of was the help of my mother.  She had been very faithful in supporting me while we lived in Lancaster.  Kari and Ryan had grown to love and trust her and she thoroughly enjoyed caring for them.  They had filled a special place in her heart that had been empty many years since losing her own handicapped child.  Letting them go beyond her daily reach was very difficult for her and for me.

              The last day of November 1991, with all our earthly belongings crammed into the largest U-haul truck available, the five of us headed down the road of faith.  We were ready to embrace an adventurous journey – led by God.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ron's Reflections...

              What more could one ask for in terms of clear direction from God?  A director coming up with an idea, our immediately knowing who would best fill that bill, that individual having the same idea cross her mind and choose to be willing – all within one weekend.  We may as well have encountered a burning bush and heard the Lord’s voice booming from within it. 

              Even with these undeniably amazing “coincidences” before us, and having an awesome provision unexpectedly presented to us, we struggled to believe that God could pull it all off.  We had felt beaten down too much for too long.  We had become convinced that God was not going to use us in church planting.  Lots of thoughts and emotions needed to be turned around before we could say yes.  That is only reasonable, isn’t it?

              God was calling us to believe him, to step out in faith, even though we didn’t feel very confident, even though we could cite plenty of reasons why things couldn’t come together, not the least of which was that our children remained disabled.  One by one the excuses I threw toward heaven seemed inadequate in comparison to the infinite power of our heavenly father.  And so we said yes and pressed on, with our fears hanging on as best they could. 

A successful family perseveres in spite of doubt.

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Copyright (c) 2002 by Ron and Joan Denlinger